Anguish Read online

  Ellis and Fiona greet me with a spirited smile and wave, deep in conversation with each other. I turn to Lewis, who is smiling at his phone with a goofy grin.

  “Hey, mate. What’s got you grinning like a dog with two tails?” I mock, pointing to the phone in his hand as his eyes meet mine. His face reddens a little.

  “Theo, sorry, hi. I was messaging Eliot. He sent me a picture of baby Amelia asleep in her crib. She’s just adorable, man.” He shows me a picture of the beautiful three-month-old sleeping cherub they adopted only two weeks ago.

  I squeeze his shoulder, genuinely happy for the guy. “You are a lucky man, my friend. A gorgeous husband, and now a beautiful daughter. Must have been hard leaving her tonight, but thanks for coming along to support Finn. It’s good to see you.”

  “Yeah, I admit, it was hard to tear myself away. But when Eliot insisted I come along, well…that man is hard to say no to,” he tells me with a sigh.

  Lewis and his husband Eliot have been together for five years, married for two, and are so in love, it’s nauseating. They desperately wanted children, so they found a surrogate, and baby Amelia happened. Now, they are not only nauseating with each other, they are nauseating parents, too. It sounds cynical, but relationships and children are not on my bucket list at all. I’ll settle for random hookups. Which I do, often.

  “I’ll take your word for that.” I wink and nudge his arm. He throws his head back and laughs as I drink my beer.

  “You have a dirty mind, Theo. Never change.”

  Finn stands and takes his place on the small stage with his acoustic guitar. Our little group claps and cheers the loudest, along with a few regulars, as he sits on the stool, positions his instrument, and adjusts the microphone stand. I wolf-whistle at him, which makes him blush like a schoolgirl.

  “Thanks for the support, guys. I appreciate it. For those who don’t already know me, my name is Finn Tyler, and I’ll be singing a few covers for you. Tonight, I’m dedicating them to my best friend, who has had a pretty tough day today.”

  Now, I damn well blush as a hush falls over the crowd. He’s never dedicated any songs to me before.

  Not in public, anyway.

  My heartbeats falter when he strums the opening chords to “Footprints In The Sand” by Leona Lewis. He sings his own rendition, which is grittier; more masculine. It’s one of our friendship songs.

  Sneaky bastard.

  As he sings the opening lyrics, my chest expands, overflowing with affection for him. My body melts into a puddle at the sound of his sultry voice. It’s like a siren call, and I’m drowning in it, as I watch his long nimble fingers pluck the strings with precision and grace.

  Leaning into the microphone, gazing at me while he sings, we connect on a different level from everyone else around us. He’s the other half of my heart; always has been.

  Just as Finn fades out and eases into his own version of “Your Song” by Elton John, a stunning, leggy blonde drops into my lap. She flings her arms around my neck, almost choking me in her exuberance.

  “Theo, I thought I’d find you here tonight. Want some company?” she huffs in my ear, blocking my view of Finn.

  It pisses me off.

  “Thalia, what are you doing here tonight? I thought you had a shoot in Hawaii?”

  “I do, but the flight got cancelled until tomorrow afternoon, so guess what? I’m all yours if you want me, lover.” She nibbles my earlobe and kisses my neck, well acquainted with my weak spots.

  Thalia is an underwear model I sometimes fuck around with when she’s in town. She is stereotypical—tall with long blonde hair, legs that go on for days. She’s beautiful, no doubt about that. I never usually turn her down because she’s an enthusiastic lay, but I feel guilty thinking with my dick right now when my best friend is serenading me.

  I peer over her shoulder and see Finn watching me. He looks hurt.

  “Look, Tally, you know I never say no, but I’m watching Finn, and it’s rude to just leave in the middle of his set.”

  “Oh, that’s okay,” she declares, pulling up a spare chair and flopping into it. “I’ll stay and watch, too. Then, we can go back to my place and have some fun.”

  She leans into me and kisses along my jaw. I shiver all the way to my groin. My resistance is waning, even though I feel like the biggest arsehole on the planet.

  “Fine, but remember, I’m here to watch Finn—”

  Before I can utter another word, she presses her cherry red lips against mine and thrusts her greedy, relentless tongue into my mouth. Stunned at her brazen behaviour, I can do nothing but go with it, hoping like hell Finn is at the end of his set now.

  Then I hear him sing “Dancing On My Own” by Calum Scott.

  While I’m tongue fucking Thalia, the model.

  This is new. He must have learned this recently.

  The song is about a guy who is in love with another guy. But he has to watch from the corner while the love of his life is making out with a girl.

  Jesus, those lyrics. He can’t mean them.

  Taking Thalia’s wrists, I pull her arms from around my neck and push her back a little, away from my mouth.

  I’m now horny as hell from her ministrations and have pissed off my best friend in the process.

  “Hey, Tally, can we double-date tonight? I promised to stay with Finn. But he could use some company, too.” I wink at her, hoping she catches my drift.

  “Hell, yes, honey. My roommate, Ivan, is home tonight. We’re on the same shoot tomorrow. I know he likes Finn a lot. I’m positive he’d be up for it.”

  “Yeah, they’ve hooked up before, so it shouldn’t be a problem. I need to check with Finn first, but I’m sure he won’t say no.”

  She jumps on my lap, kissing me again, just as Finn is coming to the end of his song. I kiss her back now that she has me turned on, but guilt is gnawing at my stomach like a voracious beast. It’s like I’m cheating on Finn, which is crazy. We fuck around together all the time.

  No! Not together, together. Together with other people but not each other.

  Prising Thalia from my embrace once more, I put her back in her chair as Finn takes a bow to a rapturous applause from the audience. And more cheering and whooping from our small group of friends. He’s nailed it, as usual, and my heart bursts with pride. I’m in awe of him.

  Thalia runs towards him, hugging him and whispering in his ear before he can reach our table. I see him nod his head at her, but he still looks a little irked.

  “Why aren’t you and Finn a couple, exactly?” Ellis asks me from across the table, raising her eyebrows in question.

  I let out the breath I’ve been holding and shake my head, glancing at Finn and Thalia flirting. “Like I’ve told you guys many times, I like the ladies. Finn likes both. In an ideal world, he is the perfect person for me, that we can agree on, except he doesn’t have the right equipment. I like vaginas, not dicks.”

  I’ve lost count of the times I’ve already explained this to all of them.

  “Well, you could always improvise,” Fiona offers, trying to be helpful.

  “Improvise? I’d still have to want to f—”

  “I agree,” Dan interrupts. “You could always buy one of those fake vaginas. I’ve seen those on TV. Or a blow-up doll? There are lots of things you can get nowadays.”

  “Guys, I—”

  “Yeah, you know you don’t need to go the whole way, right? Lots of same-sex couples don’t go that far.” This snippet of wisdom comes from Lewis.

  Thank God I don’t get embarrassed much. These guys are relentless, always trying to get Finn and me together.

  “Look, guys, as always, I appreciate the advice, and you all know Finn walks around with the other half of my heart, but guys don’t do it for me. At all.” I glance at Finn, who is still talking with an excited Thalia.

  Cheeks flushed and hair tousled, thanks to Thalia running her hands through it, gives him that just got laid look. Beads of perspiration stand out on
his forehead, yet he’s still hot as hell. He always looks great no matter the state he’s in.

  He’s so…sexy.

  “Anyway, just because Finn is bi doesn’t mean he’d be into me. Not that it matters since I’m straight,” I mutter in defence.

  Jesus Christ. Do they know?

  I look around the table at our friends, who have all narrowed their eyes in disagreement, as usual, waiting for me to continue. I gulp down the last of my beer and take an unsteady breath.

  “And even if that were the case, which it isn’t, Finn is the romantic, relationship type, who loves with his whole self. I’m a selfish arsehole, who gets nauseous at the thought of even dating. I can’t do it. Maybe I never will,” I explain, needing to justify my reasons.

  They meet this with rolled eyes and silence this time. Before I blurt out something I’ll regret later, Finn and Thalia walk toward us.

  “Finn,” I squeak, looking like I got caught with my hand on my dick. The drinks on the table spill as I knock it in my haste to stand. “Did Tally—”

  “Yes, Theo, Thalia told me about tonight’s plans,” he interrupts with an edge to his voice. Guilt roils through my stomach. He’s hurt and angry, and I hate that I’m the cause of that.

  “Okay, great. Are you in? And great set, man. You killed it, as always, and thanks for the dedication. That was very sweet of you.” I babble like a buffoon. My hands are sweating, so I wipe them on the front of my jeans.

  He leans his guitar against the table and folds his arms over his toned chest. Those deep blue irises glare at me. They have broken many hearts in his twenty-nine years.

  “Oh, you noticed? How nice of you, Theo. I didn’t think you were aware of anything except the feel of Thalia’s tongue,” he snarks as he stands straighter.

  He’s pissed off. Justifiably so. Right at this moment, I would rather go home and patch things up with my best friend than get my dick wet.

  Rubbing the back of my neck, I look at him with remorseful eyes. “Finn, I’m sorry. I heard the first two songs, but then Thalia came in and jumped on me.”

  Thalia throws her arms around me, again, kissing my neck and cutting off my airway. “Don’t worry, Theo. He’s agreed to double-date with us tonight. Isn’t that right, Finny?” she utters with a sultry cadence, looking at Finn with longing while she trails her index finger down his torso.

  Finn’s glare softens as he regards us. Thalia is almost dry-humping my leg while our friends sit back and watch the shit-show unfold in front in them. His lips twitch as he tries in vain to fight a smile. We never stay mad at each other for long.

  He lets out a resigned sigh. “Okay, let’s get out of here. I already told Thalia to count me in. Ivan is a nice guy, and we have a good time together.” He smiles that damn radiant smile, and I know I’m forgiven.

  I really don’t deserve him.

  While Finn is hugging everyone goodbye, Lewis grabs my arm before I can leave and lowers his voice. “You guys are playing with fire. You know that, right?”

  “I don’t know what you could possibly mean,” I sass with a playful wink.

  “I’m serious, Theo. All this casual hooking up in a group. It won’t lead anywhere good, I promise you. One of you will get hurt, if not both of you.”

  “Don’t worry about us, Lewis. The fact we’re in this together keeps us safe. We like it that way, man.” I squeeze his shoulder in reassurance.

  “You know, Finn isn’t into fucking around as much as you think. He only does it for you.”

  The surprise must show on my face, but before I can reply, he carries on. “I mean no disrespect, man, but I’m worried about you guys.”

  “Look, I appreciate the advice, Lewis. You’re one of our very good friends, so you know us well, but I think I know Finn better than anyone. He would have said something if he was unhappy with the way things were.”

  “Would he, though? He’ll do anything for you, man, anything.”

  “As I would him,” I reply, softening my tone. I can’t help but wonder where he’s going with this.

  “You know how he feels about you, then?” Lewis spits out, before I can take my leave once again.

  “What? We’re best friends. What do you mean, how he—”

  “Ready to go, Doc?” Finn cuts in.

  I look at Lewis, who has a passive expression on his face. Perplexed at the turn the night has taken, I don’t have time to dwell on my confusion as Thalia makes a beeline for Finn and me.

  “Come on, lover. Your mission is to make Tally meow tonight,” she purrs, twirling a finger in her long, blonde locks.

  I resist the urge to roll my eyes as Finn stifles another laugh. His dimples are a dead giveaway.

  “Yes, Theo. Never keep a lady waiting,” he taunts and smirks.

  Those fucking dimples will be the end of me.

  We say goodnight to our friends, who give Finn another round of enthusiastic applause as we leave. Thalia is wrapped around me like a boa…constrictor, that is, not feathers. I like the girl, but I need air to fucking breathe. Finn watches her antics, laughing at me trying to fight her off.

  Jesus, she is full-on.

  * * *

  Once we arrive at Thalia’s apartment and greet Ivan, who wears only grey pyjama pants, which leave nothing to the imagination, no time is wasted on small talk.

  Clothes discarded in haste, we are soon on opposite couches naked; Finn with Ivan, who resembles a sculpted Nordic god, and Thalia and me. We’ve been in this situation many times before, it isn’t awkward for any of us.

  After lots of loud kisses and teasing touches, Thalia is dry-humping my crotch like she’s going for Olympic gold. Finn throws me a condom and positions himself behind Ivan, who is bent over the arm of the couch. This spurs Thalia on until she begins mewling and moaning above me, so I suit up and she throws herself on me.

  I watch Finn take Ivan; Finn watches me take Thalia. While this is something be both enjoy, we never make eye contact. It’s too intimate. He’s my best friend, it would be weird.

  The groaning ramps up from Finn and Ivan as Thalia starts thrashing above me and screaming like she’s auditioning for a porno. Jesus, I forget how dramatic this girl is, and how much she gets off watching the guys together. So do I, but that’s usual for me.

  I like to watch, so sue me.

  All too soon we near the finish line. Thalia screams my name so loud only the neighbourhood dogs can hear it. You know, just in case she forgot who’s under her. This throws me over, too, and I groan with one last punch of my hips, Finn and Ivan doing the same.

  Heavy breathing echoes around the living room as we all come down from our endorphin rush. Thalia falls off me and onto the floor, laughing as she lies naked and sweaty. Ivan joins her and they begin making out.

  Guess round two is starting already. Time to go.

  After we clean up in the bathroom, Finn and I dress and make our excuses to leave, despite Thalia begging us to stay. We politely decline. My ears haven’t yet recovered from round one.

  “We’ll see ourselves out,” Finn shouts to the oblivious pair, who are now writhing on the floor in each other’s arms.

  Climbing into a cab, I turn to look at Finn. We both fall about in hysterical laughter at what just occurred.

  “Shit, that girl is loud,” Finn laughs and shakes his head.

  “I know. I think I need a hearing aid now.”

  “Well, at least you can turn it down next time you fuck her.”

  We both chuckle in the back seat. I feet lighter now, less burdened. It’s only a temporary respite, but it’s good to find some relief.

  I look at Finn in earnest once our laughter dies down. He smiles back, his face looking less weary, more relaxed.

  “Why did you dedicate those songs to me tonight?”

  His cheeks flush at my question. He’s still a little dishevelled after his session with Ivan, yet still perfect.

  He shrugs. “I could tell you’d had a bad day with Teddy. I wanted
to remind you I’m always here, right by your side.”

  My stomach somersaults as Finn’s eyes hold mine in a profound, magnetic gaze. Loving Finn is my entire existence, and I can’t love him more than I do at this moment. Words escape me as my breathing quickens and my body ignites. I’m falling under his spell again, but can’t let myself go there.

  “Sunshine, I…”

  Finn clears his throat and I’m hurtled back to the present. “So, what did your father want this time? My head on a stick outside his mansion walls? Or was he trying to get you to move back home again? He’ll never give up, you know?”

  I scoff and catch the fire in Finn’s turbulent eyes. “Oh, you know how it is. It’s all about the family business, it being my legacy and all. Same old shit, different day. Forget about it.”

  “Yeah, but you know you’ll have to do it one day, Theo. He won’t wait forever. He’s getting on in age now, and—”

  “Yeah, and I’ll wait until the very last second before I go. Unless I can think of an alternative solution. I have a right to my own life, Sunshine. He can’t dictate to me just because it’s tradition. Fuck tradition. I’m done with high-society snobbery and pretentious parties. I could sell the business and start over. Something I want to do. Maybe open another clinic, or an orthopaedic hospital? There are a ton of things I could do and still leave a legacy to any kids I might have,” I rant, incensed at the thought of giving up what I have because of Teddy’s threats.

  I never lie to Finn. I’ve never had reason to before.

  Except now.

  He’s trying so hard to launch a music career, working every spare minute in the studio and writing songs. I can’t tell him I only have six months to figure out a plan B. And I can’t tell him that Teddy knows his secret—what happened in college. He needs to be able to do this without any added stress. I can’t do that to him.

  “He wants you away from me, though. You know that,” he whispers, staring out of the window into the blackness.

  “Well, he’ll be waiting a long time because you and I? We’re solid. You’re stuck with me.” I gift him a tender smile and throw an arm around his shoulder in a side hug, squeezing him tight.